Hello World; Peeling off the Layers of Depression
The Most Timely Gift
It has been years since I have been captivated by a good novel. I used to read all the time, as a writer, I love seeing what other authors create with words.
For the last few years, I admittedly have only been reading non-fiction, biographies, nerd culture, and a few comic books however I was recently gifted a book by the eloquently spoken Theresa Sopko.
She not only has a flair for writing but has the beautiful ability to describe in perfect detail the depression that I, along with many others I know suffer from.
In our interview she told me that she related to Quinn the main character in her novel ‘Bewilderments of the Eyes’ but it wasn’t until I finished reading the book that my questions began pouring out for her (as well as an unfailing admiration for writing such a mesmerizing story).
Stranger Than Fiction
Honestly, I felt like Harold Crick from Will Ferrell’s 2006 film ‘Stranger than Fiction’ as I read Sopko’s novel (in every good way possible).
For those of you who are having trouble recalling a quirky film that came out over 10 years ago, here’s a refresher.
Will Ferrell’s character, Harold, is a regular joe who finds out through outrageous events that he is the character in a famous author’s current novel and that she has written out his life.
This, along with ‘Ruby Sparks’ (similar story where a book character comes to life) are definitely in my top favorite movies which makes me wonder if I watched (and serendipitously wished to come to life) a little too much that Theresa Sopko’s book landed in my lap.
I have admitted to struggling with (or rather winning daily battles against) depression. I have also recently resigned from my job, pursued something creative, and even more recently taken a ten day road trip which partly took place in California… all events that Quinn Aldrege faces in ‘Bewilderments’.
A Book You Cannot put Down
I opened ‘Bewilderments’ on my plane ride to LA where I was to start my road trip and was immediately drawn in, to the point of the flight feeling like two minutes. And though I had read a good portion of the book in those two minutes it was not enough.
On the same trip we broke down at Mt. Reiner and had to wait hours for AAA to come save us to which I gleefully got cozy and pulled out my copy of Bewilderments.
The all too Relatable Motions of Depression
From the instant it started I felt a connection to the way Theresa described depression and the anxiety that so often follows it.
As Quinn tugged on an old sweatshirt and couldn’t remember the last time she washed her hair, I rejuvenated in not feeling alone.
As she was dragged out of bed by overly energetic friends I grumbled with her.
And as she started pushing everyone away, my heart broke, related, and reached out to a character that was not even real.
Or is she?
Quinn or Theresa?
“I struggle with the same type of mental illness Quinn does- the apathy and the existentialism.”
“I couldn’t conjure an emotion to save my life and it was so suffocating and awful…”
“And I HATED college, it was so painful and my mental state was going through that transition from perfectionism to apathy and it caused a ton of anxiety because I didn’t care about anything.”
“…For example I wouldn’t study for a test because the idea of doing school work was so repulsive because I just didn’t care but then my anxiety would kick in and I’d be like you’re such an idiot you’re gonna fail the test then fail the class then fail out of college then never get a job and so on and so on.”
Is that a Depression Thing?
Theresa told me that she had changed her major at least 5 different times in college which is something else I related to however her choices in majors were far different (and seemingly more interesting) than mine; such as urban planting and interior design.
I used to think that it was a ‘depression’ thing that no matter what I majored in I just wasn’t going to be happy or that a major I thought would make others happy in turn didn’t change my state of happiness.
Someone once said to me that I had changed majors more than anyone they knew and at the time it really got me down, it made me feel like something was wrong with me. Why I was changing my mind more than anyone else?
I bring this up because I want to make note that I think it is a good thing to make a change if need, if you’re not thriving where you are at, why stay? There are so many options.
And out of it, you gain memories, experiences, and information from each said endeavor or in this case major.
Theresa for example confided in me that designing is one of her coping mechanisms. Painting or rearranging a room can be a stress reliever for Theresa.
The Old Conveyeor Belt Tragedy
Theresa said she had gotten into writing as young as 11 years old but eventually stopped writing because it ‘wasn’t what she was supposed to be doing’.
We talked about this in her interview and I related to what we called ‘the conveyor belt’ tragedy.
Like Theresa, I was on the conveyer belt of following the cultural norms and expectations set for me even though they were choices that I would not have ever conjured up myself. They were the ideas of normality projected by those around me.
And was it other people’s faults that I was following their choices and being unhappy? Absolutely not. But the anxiety of doing the right thing comes in to play followed by depression of not being true to yourself.
I was eventually able to rise above the pressure, speak up, and to push past the fears of ‘what ifs’ to start my life over. (similar to Quinn)
Bewilderments Such as Mental Illness
(Again), I want to note that I think starting over can be a good thing which as Theresa pointed out in her interview can be a scary thing but has displayed through her writing that it may just be possible even for those ‘stuck’ such as Quinn.
“Quinn wants nothing more than to uncover the old Quinn, the one who smiles and socialized and actually participated in her own life without the whisperings of mental illness in her ear. But what she finds instead turns out to be so much better.”
“Quinn’s story I one that captures the hope that there is a purpose to getting out of bed every morning, without denying that it will be difficult.”
Excerpt from the back cover of ‘Bewilderments’
